She never said goodbye, choosing to hug him quickly instead.
He never saw the tears he knew she was trying to hide from him. Meanwhile, she whispered the words he wouldn’t manage to decode until a few minutes later. The same words that would pulse in his chest ever since.
Sometimes he could still feel her back in his arms, like in that spring morning when the perfume of her hair had inebriated him for the last time… He could still feel it dancing through his fingers to the rhythm of the soft coastal breeze.
There were times when, embraced by solitude, he felt like he could actually turn back time and go back to the moment when everything changed.
He would have asked her to stay. He would have told her how much he needed her by his side; he would have whispered in her hear that everything he would have ever wanted to tell her was no more than a “see you later”… But now it was just too late.
He had always been too much of a coward to ever have the courage to talk about his own feelings. He had always preferred to tell stories, other peoples’ stories, waiting for that someone that would understand the only one he was talking about was himself…
It wasn’t premeditated. Ever since he could remember he would always rather stay unnoticed. He had always avoided leading roles, and now he had finally realized he had done it with his own story, with his own life, there was really nothing he could do about it...
She understood him. Sometimes he even thought she new more about him than he had ever allowed himself to discover. He had wanted to tell her that but he always trusted his actions would be clear enough and would silently tell her the secret he had never put into words.
That morning, at Sydney’s harbor, for the first time he could recall, words had betrayed him… The moment she softly whispered in the wind, he had suddenly turned mute and couldn’t find a way to make a single sound even as he watched her climb aboard the ship that would lead her to her dreams… the very ones that didn’t include him, at least…
As he watched her move away from him, he had felt as if he was in a dream himself. Suddenly, the world was moving in slow motion, as if life was giving him a last chance to change the course of his destiny, one that seemed so irremediably drawn.
By then, it seemed everything was possible again; he just had to do something.
He imagined himself running towards her, grabbing her hand, pulling her back in his arms and stealing from her lips the one kiss he would never give her.
He only realized it was just too late when, through the water curtain that blurred his eyes, he tried to find her in the crowd and wasn’t able to see her anymore.
Focusing all his attention in the ship that would take her away from him forever, he stood still, as the world eroded into a diffuse blue mist.
Only when the iron giant finally lifted the heavy anchor that blacked his feelings, his lips managed to write the words his mind had never let him process and his heart had hidden from itself for far too long… And he prayed, he prayed with all the strength he had left and as he had never done before, so that the soft wind that blew his tears away would, somehow, make it reach the only one who had ever given sense to them…
By himself, in the blurry shadow of his heart, Johnathan Mayfield, the man that inspired so many to live their own love glories, was for the first time saying “I love you…” for no one to hear…
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